My Mental Health: Building Confidence

Having little to no self-confidence is a common bump in the road that many people encounter and where other problems such as depression and suicidal thoughts often originate.
However there are only a couple key steps that can help you build your depression back up.

The first step is to see who you keep around for company.
This can make or break your path to building up your confidence.
If you hang around people that are constantly complaining and whining about how hard and difficult life is then you will eventually succumb to that type of negative energy and thought process, hindering your progress to building up your self-confidence.
A couple of years ago, I used to hang around people that were constantly complaining and negative and that type of energy rubbed off on me. I started experiencing that I was more depressed than before, I was constantly irritable, and that I was looking to others to tell me what I wanted to hear. These negative influences are often complaining, always looking at the negative face of life, and have extremely entitled opinions and expectations and can be extremely difficult to get rid of once you become friends with them.
What you will find is that the moment they find out you are pulling away they will do anything in their power to bring you back into their pit of self-sabotage and despair. From what I personally have experienced, the negative influences in my life constantly asked me for my “opinion” on various situations, always asked for money, never thought twice before starting rumors about me, and always tried to draw attention to themselves.
What I had noticed after separating myself from the negative company, is that I felt less tired, more energetic, and far more positive which was a clear indication that the company that I used to hang out with were nothing more than depressed individuals who had no intention of improving themselves and wanted to bring others down with them.

The second step in building self-confidence back up is counting your blessings and tell yourself that you are the hottest news around and that everyone else is beneath you.
While the second part of what I have told you to do sounds incredibly conceited and overly self-centered, it is a vital part of building up your self-confidence. The whole problem with not having self-confidence is that you constantly tell yourself that you are worthless and are nothing but a failure. Telling yourself that you are the hottest news and that everyone s beneath you helps to counter those thoughts and will help to keep yourself from bringing yourself down any further than you already have.
Positive purpose aside, make sure that you don’t shove those thoughts down other peoples throats and to yourself as forcing those thoughts is nothing more than conceited.
Counting your blessings will help you to focus on the positive side of life and less on the negatives. Doing so will help you realize that you are actually better off than many others out there.

These two steps to building your self-confidence can be much harder than I make them sound but they are not impossible to perform. Take your time, ask for help, and make sure to surround yourself with positive influences.

Toughen up: Triggers and trigger warnings

This is going to be the first post in my ‘toughen up’ series where I tell you my experiences with overly sensitive people and how you and others can toughen up with certain issues.

Triggers and trigger warnings is a topic that very many people are constantly in hot debate about and is also something that makes my blood boil every time I hear it.
The reason that I am bringing this up is because the phrase “Im so triggered” is being not only overused within the LGBT community but it is also being abused. Although triggers do exist and are completely valid, there are multiple times where telling someone that you are triggered by a certain thought or word is completely and absolutely inappropriate and downright disrespectful.

First example that I have where trigger warnings were inappropriately used is when I was scrolling through my instagram.
Being a model, youtube, and makeup artist, I naturally have many very attractive female friends whom I follow on social media.
One day I was scrolling through my Instagram feed, liking my friend’s photos and leaving comments as I would usually do when all of a sudden I hear someone yelling at me “YOU ARE SUCH A MISOGYNIST AND ARE OBJECTIFYING WOMEN!!!! I’M SO TRIGGERED”
I told the person to go screw off as there is nothing wrong with liking and commenting on photos on Instagram and especially so since the girls whose photos I was liking and commenting on where my friends.
Not only did I have every right to do whatever the hell I want in my own social media, but the person had absolutely no right or reason to be looking over my shoulder and monitoring what I was doing on my phone.

The second example was when I was talking about my weight loss.
I had recently lost 5 pounds so I was telling my friends about it since it is a significant event for me as I am pre-diabetic.
As I was telling my friends on how I lost the weight, another person decided to butt in and say “I’m very triggered by what you are talking about so you need to change topics”
Not only was I very taken aback by the comment but I was also rather livid as the person had no reason or business listening in on my achievements. Instead of congratulating on my successes they decided to try to bring me back down.
The conversation that I was having with my friends was of absolutely no concern to the person. I cannot help but think that such a person is nothing more than insecure about their own weight and wants nothing more but to bring me down to their level.

The third example is when I was talking about makeup and heels with my friends. This clearly offended someone as that particular someone decided to come over to me and my group to tell me to stop talking about makeup and heels as it was “triggering” to them.
Safe to say that I gave them a few glances up and down before telling them off.

What I am trying to say here is that although triggers are real, there is absolutely no reason where you should be going to other people and telling them that what they are talking about if it makes you a bit uncomfortable.
There are people who have actual triggers and going around screaming “I’m triggered” about the smallest most minor situations is not only going to make you look like a complete idiot, but it is also disrespectful to those who have actual triggers in life. You’ll not only make them look bad but also keep them from getting the compensation that they need in order to function regularly in life.

With all of that being said, make sure to respect others and their patience as not many people are not as calm and collected as I am.



My Mental Health: Part three, Self love and esteem

Loving myself and confidence has always been something that I have struggled with for several years now.
It started when I was young and still in grade school.

When I was still a good little Christian boy and went to church every sunday, I would constantly get bullied by the other kids that attended alongside with me.
In the beginning stages I would just let them do whatever they wanted and would just laugh it off. The only reason that I let them step all over me is because I would constantly remember certain teachings in the bible such as “turn the other cheek” and “judge and be judge”

But because I am human I eventually ran out of patience so I would begin to fight back and when I did I would get in trouble each and every single time. Even when I was in the right I would get into trouble whether it be telling the other kids to stop messing with me, telling the other parents to help me out, and even when I was getting beat up and fought them off. Whatever I did to try to get them to stop just caused me to get into trouble again and again.

Eventually just gave up and kept quiet. This not only ate me up from the inside but also gave my self-esteem a massive blow. I began to feel worthless, helpless, and depressed and when I went to talk to other members of the church I used to be in, all they would do is invalidate and toss aside my concerns and frustrations. With no outlet, it threw me deeper and deeper into a depression.

As much as I am aware that this is the only problem that I have brought up, it is actually the most significant problem as I had to deal with the bullying, the condescending comments, and the teasing ever since I was born.

Either way, significant or not, depression and the causes of depression are significant big or small. It is healthy for one to vent every now and then and there is absolutely no shame in doing so.
If you need to let it out, do so and with someone who understands completely and will listen without patronizing or condescending you.
Make sure you do whatever you need to do in order to get into a better headspace.

My Mental Health: Part two, Weight

So this is the second part of my mental health series where I disclose struggles that I’ve never brought to light to anyone aside from myself.
In this section, i will be focusing on one of my biggest issues……. my weight.

My weight has been one of the biggest problems that I have had to deal with from a very young age to the present. And to be honest, it has caused me to indulge in some rather damaging practices.

The first issues that I came across were eating disorders with the first being anorexia.
This is when I had just started having a problem with my weight and as any other teen out there, my method to deal with it was to starve myself. However, because I loved food too much, it didn’t take long for me to quit the practice of starving myself and switch to another issue….. bulimia.

The problem here is that I often switched back and forth between bulimia and anorexia.
What would often happen is that there would be a period of time where I was anorexic and then there would be another period of time where I would be bulimic.
I remember clearly that I would starve myself for periods of time before I would binge eat on large amounts of food and then purge right after.
Doing this was not only damaging to my mental health but my physical health as well.
There would be some times where I would be weak, sick and lightheaded, normal at others, and have diarrhea at the rest.

The second problem with my weight are the pills that I used to take.
The first time I took weight loss pills was Hydroxycut black and it wreaked havoc on my body.
For the first week, I was able to lose weight and I did slim down by three inches around my waist, however, the next two weeks were absolute HELL for me and my body.
During the second week, I was having diarrhea but it wasn’t like normal diarrhea but rather clear water which was not only alarming but also rather painful.
By the third week, I was feeling very weak and nauseous most of the time which resulted in me vomiting every couple of days.
The worst part is that even the slightest bit of stress would set me off and cause me to begin gagging and eventually vomit.

The purpose of this story is to tell others out there who may be going through the same issues that I have been and currently still am dealing with.
Please do not partake in any of these habits as it does so much more harm to your body than good.
I hope you all the best out there.

My Mental Health: Part one, Depression

This is going to be another one of those touchy subjects for not only myself but for others as well.

My mental health is not the best considering what I’ve gone through at a young age. Granted that I have matured much quicker than people my age, that rate of maturation does take a toll on one’s mental health.

One of the problems that I do have to deal with is depression.
Depression is often seen as just a “bad mood” or having a bad day. The reaction that people generally have towards depression is to just “shake it off” or to “just get over it”.
Unfortunately, depression is not that easy to take care of.
The way I would describe depression is as a chronic disease that constantly inconveniences you in more ways than one. Depression saps your energy, causes you to lose passion and interest, and causes you to belittle yourself.

This is something that I have to constantly deal with as depression is something that has affected me at a very young age because of the struggles that I had to go through. The struggles that I am referring to are not financial struggles but rather social ones.
At a very young age I was severly bullied and not in ways you would think of. There were things that everyone gets bullied about like weight and height but that’s not what caused my depression. I was constantly picked on simply because I was interested in the newest Scientific American magazine instead of the new Halo video game that was just released. I was bullied for being the nerd of the class and carrying books instead of playing football. I was even picked on for having an interest in Spiderman and Superman instead of being interested in G.I. Joe. But the worst part my bullying was being called a pedophile at the age of 14 simply because I wanted to join a game of tag with kids that were around my age. This was something that really cut deep at that age. Think about it……


Dealing with hate

Imma make this as short as possible because hate is something that I don’t like to get into detail because it keeps me from moving forward and progressing on my projects and personal growth.

So I get hate all the time even though you don’t see it in the comments section of my posts.
What many people do is message me, sending their hate my way without exposing themselves on my pages and feeds. Despite the method, hate is hate.
I often get told that my work is worthless or crap because I don’t use a hella expensive and fancy or have fancy lighting and equipment and when I ask for resources for improving the quality of my work, I get hit with the classic “do it yourself” line.
For future reference, if you comment criticisms on other artists work without giving ways to improve when asked, YOU’S A HATER.

Here’s the thing to those who are wondering why people would criticize my methods and equipment.
I am a student traveling along the path to medicine which means that I have a rather intensive curriculum. This makes it difficult for me to shop for expensive lighting, cameras, and equipment so I work with what I have.

However, like my makeup, I’m working up to the good stuff meaning that I will be improving my equipment and get an actual camera soon but until then, I will continue to use my phone camera.

Moral of the story is to not pay attention to those who hate on your work.
Giving them attention and energy and trying to prove them wrong will only prevent you from improving yourself and advancing with your work. So the next time you come across a hater, just keep it moving and continue on your path to success.

Depression (Part 2)

Although it took several years for me to bounce back and fight my depression, I was able to fight back and am still fighting today.

Sometimes the world seems gray, lifeless, and hostile but what you need to remember and look forward to are the good things that have happened, are happening, and will be happening.
For me personally the things that help to keep me up are where I am in life, my skills and talents, the people I can confidently call my best friends, and support and love from my family and all those around me. Even small things such as the beauty of nature or a simple song should be taken into account.

Yes I will have to admit that focusing on the positive in life is so much more difficult compared to focusing on the negatives in life but doing so will help you advance in life rather than stay stagnant.

As you can clearly see through these two posts, focusing on the negative is so much easier compared to focusing on the positive in life but doing so will allow you to not only help yourself but also other’s that may be going through the same thing.
If there’s one piece of advice that I want you to take away from me sharing my story of depression, it’s to always look on the bright side, find the silver lining, and remember that it will get better.

Depression (Part 1)

Depression is a subject that I am usually extremely uncomfortable talking about as it is something that stems from deep scars and past memories.

Depression is something that is thought of as overly dramatic and extremely easy to spot. Many people believe that people with depression are often dreary, always talking about how everything is going wrong, and don’t take care of themselves.
While this may be true for some people, many others, including myself, are well versed in the art of hiding one’s depression.
For those who know me, I am often quite bubbly, upbeat, and a rather bright and talkative person, pretty much the opposite of what people think of depression. However, more often than not, I deal with depression which does make it extremely difficult for me to function daily. Simple tasks such as waking up, getting dressed, and even just eating are things that I have to force myself to do more often than not.
Paying attention in my classes, completing homework, and taking exams are tasks that often exhaust me. Hobbies such as playing music, applying makeup, even watching and making youtube videos often feel forced.

I mentioned before that my depression comes from past memories and scars which are experiences and events from my childhood.
There are two main events that my depression stemmed from.

The first of these events involves my issue with self-worth and esteem.
The people responsible were the people from the church that I used to attend. What I would get picked on was the fact that I was academically more advanced compared to the other children that were in the same grade as me. What they would often tell me is that I was extremely annoying because I was talking about sciences while the other kids were talking about the newest Pokemon card deck that they got their parents to buy for them. I would often talk about the newest book that I borrowed from the library while the other kids would talk about the newest video game that they saved up for.

The adults, excluding the elders, were no better than their children as they would often make threats towards me or make condescending statements or jokes about how I was dressed or what I was reading. One incident that I clearly remember was the during my very first mission trip to Taiwan where a group of people from the church were visiting an orphanage. The way that the whole trip was organized was that certain people would be assigned tasks to complete such as cooking or repainting the walls. As much as I was eager to help, I was not assigned a task and when I was approached by the leaders of the mission group on why I was not doing anything, I told them that I was not assigned a task. After hearing this they threatened to kick me out of the group and leave me to figure my own way back to the hotel that we were staying at. I was told that I was rather useless and that it was a mistake to have brought me along to the trip.

The second event was in regards to my self-image and weight problem.
This is a far shorter story as it was an event that was simple and straight to the point.
I was 9 years of age and was attending a program that my violin professor at the time had forced me to join. Being the only male attending the classes, I was often picked on and made fun of just for simply being a guy.
This one occurrence was the trigger to my breaking point.
On one particular day, one of the girls decided to show off the fact that she was capable of performing a split which was rather impressive to someone who was rather stiff at the time.
I commented that I was unable to perform the splits simply because I had never had any formal dance training. The girl made a very simple statement: “You can’t do the splits because you’re too fat.”
This was the line that broke me and caused my downward spiral towards anorexia and bulimia, which to this day I have to fight against.